What Are Your Gifts?

This week, I found myself thinking about a deceptively simple question:

What are my gifts?

The question was inspired by the August 9 reflection, Calling Forth Our Gifts, in Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance. It made me wonder how often we move through our lives using our gifts without ever stopping long enough to recognize them.

We are often much better at identifying what we need to improve.

We know where we fall short.

We remember the mistake we made in the meeting, the opportunity we missed, the conversation we wish we had handled differently, and the goal we still haven’t reached.

Ask many accomplished women what they need to work on, and they can probably give you a list.

But ask:

What are your gifts?

That question can be surprisingly difficult.

When we hear the word gift, we may immediately think of something extraordinary or easily recognizable.

A beautiful singing voice.

An artistic talent.

The ability to write.

Athletic ability.

An exceptional intellect.

But I think many of our most important gifts are much quieter than that.

Maybe your gift is making people feel comfortable.

Maybe you are the person others call when life falls apart because they know you will listen without judging.

Maybe you can walk into a chaotic situation and somehow create order.

Maybe you see possibilities where other people see obstacles.

Maybe you are a connector. You introduce people who should know one another and create communities where people feel they belong.

Maybe you are endlessly curious. You are always learning, reading, asking questions, and sharing what you discover.

Maybe you make people laugh when life feels far too serious.

Maybe you notice the person sitting quietly at the edge of the room and make sure she feels included.

Maybe you have the courage to say what everyone else is thinking but is afraid to say.

Maybe you can take a complicated subject and explain it in a way that suddenly makes sense.

Maybe you have an unusual capacity to keep going.

These are gifts, too.

And perhaps one of the most meaningful things we can do for ourselves is learn to recognize them.

We Often Don’t Recognize Our Own Gifts

One of the fascinating things about our strengths is that they often feel ordinary to us.

When something comes naturally, we may assume it comes naturally to everyone.

It doesn’t.

You may be the person who can walk into a room full of strangers and effortlessly start conversations. Because you’ve always been able to do it, you don’t think much about it.

Meanwhile, someone else may spend the entire drive to an event worrying about whom she will talk to when she gets there.

You may be able to look at a complicated problem and immediately break it into five manageable steps.

To you, that’s simply how your brain works.

To someone else, it is an extraordinary ability.

This is one reason our gifts can be difficult to recognize: we experience our own abilities from the inside.

We know how much we don’t know. We remember our mistakes. We see the effort behind our accomplishments.

Other people often see something different.

They see the calm presence.

The creative idea.

The thoughtful question.

The persistence.

The humor.

The compassion.

The ability to lead.

The research on human strengths gives us good reason to pay attention to these qualities.

Positive psychology has devoted considerable attention to what researchers call character strengths—positive qualities reflected in our thoughts, emotions, and behavior. The VIA Classification, developed through the work of psychologists Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman and colleagues, identifies 24 character strengths, including curiosity, creativity, bravery, perseverance, kindness, leadership, gratitude, hope, humor, social intelligence, and love of learning.

These qualities are important because psychological well-being isn’t simply about correcting weaknesses.

It is also about identifying and cultivating what is already strong.

Research has repeatedly found associations between the use of character strengths and outcomes such as greater life satisfaction and well-being. Studies of strengths-based interventions have also suggested that identifying and intentionally using one’s strengths in new ways can improve happiness and, in some circumstances, reduce depressive symptoms.

That doesn’t mean recognizing your gifts magically eliminates life’s problems.

It means that knowing your strengths gives you another set of resources with which to meet those problems.

Instead of constantly asking:

What’s wrong with me?

we can sometimes ask:

What’s strong in me that I can draw upon here?

That is a very different question.

We Have Been Trained to Look for What Is Missing

Think about how much of life revolves around identifying deficits.

School teaches us to focus on the questions we got wrong.

Performance reviews frequently spend considerable time discussing opportunities for improvement.

We compare ourselves with people who seem more successful, more confident, more productive, more attractive, more creative, or further ahead.

Social media has added another layer. We are constantly exposed to carefully selected pieces of other people’s lives—the promotion, vacation, beautiful home, successful business launch, marathon finish, perfect family photograph.

It becomes very easy to look outward and think:

What do they have that I don’t?

But there is another question worth asking:

What do I have that I have stopped noticing?

The answer may have nothing to do with something you can list on a résumé.

It may be your ability to remain calm when everyone else is panicking.

Your ability to forgive.

Your instinct for noticing when someone isn’t okay.

Your willingness to ask the uncomfortable question.

Your determination to try again.

Your ability to make a home feel welcoming.

Your capacity for deep friendship.

Your sense of humor.

Your curiosity.

Your ability to see the bigger picture.

These qualities matter.

And sometimes we spend so much time trying to become someone else that we fail to develop the person we already are.

Think Beyond Your Résumé

As women, particularly professional women, it can be easy to answer the question What are you good at? with accomplishments.

Degrees.

Titles.

Certifications.

Promotions.

Businesses built.

Awards received.

Publications.

Professional recognition.

Those accomplishments certainly deserve to be celebrated.

But they aren’t necessarily our gifts.

Your gifts may be the qualities that made those accomplishments possible.

Perhaps persistence kept you going when things became difficult.

Perhaps curiosity made you ask one more question when everyone else was ready to accept the obvious answer.

Perhaps empathy made you a better physician, leader, teacher, colleague, parent, or friend.

Perhaps your ability to communicate helped people understand complicated ideas.

Perhaps your courage allowed you to start again when the path you originally chose no longer fit.

Perhaps your ability to connect people helped create opportunities not only for you but for everyone around you.

The distinction between achievement and strength is worth considering.

Achievement is often the visible outcome.

Strength is part of what helped create it.

A promotion is an achievement.

The ability to build trust may be a gift.

Writing a book is an achievement.

The ability to translate complicated ideas into meaningful stories may be a gift.

Building a successful organization is an achievement.

Seeing possibilities and bringing people together may be gifts.

The title can disappear.

The company can change.

The career can change.

But many of the strengths that helped you succeed remain yours.

That matters, especially during transitions.

Your Gifts Are Not Your Job Title

Many of us eventually encounter a season when a professional identity begins to shift.

Maybe you retire.

Maybe you change careers.

Maybe you leave an organization.

Maybe the work that once energized you no longer does.

Maybe your children grow up and the role that occupied much of your life changes.

Maybe you build something and eventually decide to walk away from it.

These transitions can be unsettling because we often unconsciously merge who we are with what we do.

But your title is not your identity.

Your position is not your gift.

Your gift travels with you.

If your gift is teaching, you can teach in a classroom, a boardroom, a community, a podcast, a conversation, or across the kitchen table.

If your gift is leadership, you don’t need a formal leadership title to influence people.

If your gift is nurturing others, that quality can appear in parenting, mentoring, friendship, medicine, management, volunteer work, or community building.

If your gift is creativity, there are countless places it can emerge.

If your gift is problem-solving, it isn’t owned by your employer.

This realization can be incredibly freeing.

Because when one chapter ends, your gifts don’t end with it.

You simply begin asking:

Where might I use them next?

Sometimes Other People See Our Gifts First

If you’re having difficulty identifying your gifts, pay attention to what people consistently ask you for.

What do people come to you for?

Advice?

Encouragement?

Organization?

Ideas?

Problem-solving?

Leadership?

A calm perspective?

A good laugh?

Help making a difficult decision?

Do people ask you to proofread something because you always know how to make it clearer?

Do colleagues ask you to handle difficult conversations because you can be direct without being cruel?

Are you the person who remembers everyone’s birthday?

Do people ask you to organize the trip?

Do coworkers come to you when they don’t understand something?

Do people tell you things they don’t tell everyone else?

Patterns matter.

Then think about the compliments you tend to dismiss.

“You’re so good at explaining things.”

“You always know what to say.”

“You make everyone feel welcome.”

“I don’t know how you get so much done.”

“You helped me see this differently.”

“You ask the best questions.”

“You make complicated things seem simple.”

“I always feel better after talking to you.”

How often do we respond to these observations with:

“Oh, it’s nothing.”

Or:

“Anyone could do that.”

Or simply change the subject?

Instead of immediately brushing those comments aside, consider something different.

What if people are giving you clues about your gifts?

Try keeping what I think of as a gift inventory.

For a month, notice what people thank you for.

Notice the questions they ask you.

Notice the tasks that seem unusually easy for you but difficult for others.

Notice the moments when you lose track of time because you are so engaged.

Notice what gives you energy rather than only what you’re competent at doing.

After several weeks, look for patterns.

You may discover something about yourself that has been hiding in plain sight.

Strengths and the Experience of Flow

Another clue to our gifts can sometimes be found in the experience psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi called flow.

Flow describes those periods of deep absorption when we become so engaged in an activity that our awareness of time seems to change.

You sit down to write for twenty minutes and suddenly two hours have passed.

You begin gardening and forget to check your phone.

You start developing a presentation and become completely absorbed in organizing the ideas.

You teach, paint, solve a problem, play music, build something, or have a meaningful conversation and become fully immersed.

Research on flow has linked these experiences with engagement and well-being, although flow depends on more than simply “doing what you’re good at.” It often occurs when the challenge of an activity is well matched to our skills.

That gives us another question:

What activities make me feel fully engaged?

Not everything we are good at will create flow.

And not everything that creates flow is necessarily a calling.

But those moments can provide information about where our interests, abilities, attention, and energy naturally converge.

The Gift You Don’t Value May Be the One Others Need

We often value gifts according to how visible they are.

We notice the charismatic speaker.

The bestselling author.

The successful entrepreneur.

The person with thousands of followers.

But human communities don’t function on visible talent alone.

They also depend upon people who quietly create psychological safety.

People who remember details.

People who notice when someone has been excluded.

People who listen.

People who organize.

People who follow through.

People who mediate conflict.

People who encourage others.

People who bring humor into difficult moments.

People who remain steady during uncertainty.

People who ask thoughtful questions.

Research on psychological safety, notably associated with Harvard professor Amy Edmondson’s work, has demonstrated the importance of interpersonal environments where people feel able to speak up, ask questions, admit mistakes, and raise concerns without fear of humiliation or punishment.

Think about that in everyday human terms.

The person who makes it safer for others to speak may possess an enormously valuable gift—even if no award exists for it.

A leader who says, “Tell me what I’m missing,” may change the dynamics of an entire team.

A colleague who notices that the newest person hasn’t spoken and asks, “What do you think?” may create belonging.

A friend who can sit beside someone experiencing grief without trying to fix it is offering something profound.

Not every gift produces applause.

Some produce trust.

Some produce belonging.

Some produce courage in other people.

Those gifts matter enormously.

Your Gifts Can Change With You

I also believe we uncover different gifts during different seasons of our lives.

A gift that served us at 25 may not be the gift we’re being called to use at 55.

That doesn’t necessarily mean our fundamental strengths disappear.

Instead, life gives them new forms.

Life experiences change us.

Careers change us.

Parenthood changes us.

Relationships change us.

Success changes us.

Disappointment certainly changes us.

Loss changes us.

Starting over changes us.

Sometimes the most difficult chapters of our lives uncover abilities we didn’t know we possessed.

Resilience.

Compassion.

Patience.

Courage.

Perspective.

The ability to tolerate uncertainty.

The willingness to ask for help.

Psychological research on resilience reminds us that resilience is not simply a rare trait possessed by extraordinary people. Researcher Ann Masten famously described resilience in children as “ordinary magic,” emphasizing that adaptive capacity often grows from common human systems and relationships rather than extraordinary invulnerability.

I love that idea.

Ordinary magic.

Maybe that describes many of our gifts.

They aren’t dramatic.

They are qualities developed quietly over years.

We learn how to recover.

How to adapt.

How to sit with discomfort.

How to recognize what really matters.

How to say no.

How to speak up.

How to begin again.

And sometimes our next chapter isn’t about becoming someone completely different.

It is about finally using parts of ourselves that have been there all along.

Your Hardest Experiences May Have Shaped Some of Your Strengths

There is an important distinction here.

We shouldn’t romanticize suffering.

Painful experiences aren’t valuable simply because they hurt, and no one needs trauma in order to become wise, compassionate, or strong.

But we can acknowledge that people sometimes develop new perspectives, priorities, or strengths as they adapt to difficult circumstances.

Research on post-traumatic growth, associated with psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, has examined how some people report positive psychological changes following highly challenging experiences. These may include greater appreciation for life, changed priorities, stronger relationships, recognition of personal strength, spiritual development, or new possibilities.

Post-traumatic growth does not mean trauma is good.

Nor does it mean everyone should find a silver lining after suffering.

It simply acknowledges something many of us have experienced:

Sometimes we discover capacities in ourselves because life demanded that we use them.

Maybe you learned you could start over.

Maybe you learned you could survive rejection.

Maybe you learned to advocate for yourself.

Maybe you developed compassion because you know what it feels like to struggle.

Maybe you stopped judging other people so quickly.

Maybe you discovered that you could function during uncertainty.

Maybe you learned to ask for help.

Maybe you finally learned to say no.

Some gifts arrive polished.

Others are forged.

Strengths Can Also Be Overused

There is another side to this conversation that is important, especially for women.

A gift can become exhausting when we believe we must use it constantly.

If you’re empathetic, you don’t have to absorb everyone’s emotions.

If you’re dependable, you don’t have to say yes to every request.

If you’re organized, you don’t automatically have to become responsible for everyone else’s planning.

If you’re a good listener, you aren’t required to be available at every hour.

If you’re competent, you don’t have to fix every problem.

If you’re a natural leader, you don’t have to take charge of everything.

Sometimes our greatest strengths become the reason more and more gets placed on our shoulders.

“Ask her. She’ll do it.”

“She always figures things out.”

“She doesn’t mind.”

But competence does not equal unlimited capacity.

Using your gifts intentionally also means knowing when not to use them.

Your gift should be something you offer—not something the world is entitled to take from you without limit.

Gifts Are Meant to Be Used, Not Proved

There is another trap we can fall into.

Once we identify something we’re good at, we may feel pressure to prove it.

If you’re smart, you must always have the answer.

If you’re strong, you can’t struggle.

If you’re a leader, you can’t be uncertain.

If you’re successful, you can’t fail.

If you’re the dependable one, you can’t need help.

But that isn’t a gift anymore.

That’s a performance.

Your strengths don’t require perfection.

A compassionate person can become frustrated.

A resilient person can become exhausted.

A courageous person can feel afraid.

A great leader can make a bad decision.

A wise person can say, “I don’t know.”

Perhaps part of calling forth our gifts is separating them from the need to prove ourselves.

We don’t need to demonstrate our value every minute of every day.

We can simply use what we have when it is useful and meaningful.

A Little Exercise for This Week

Find ten quiet minutes this week and take out a piece of paper.

At the top, write:

My Gifts

Then start writing without editing yourself.

Don’t worry about whether something sounds impressive enough.

Don’t ask whether it belongs on a résumé.

Instead, consider these questions:

• What comes naturally to me?
• What do people regularly ask me to help them with?
• What have people thanked me for?
• When do I feel most like myself?
• What activities make me lose track of time?
• What qualities have helped me through difficult periods?
• What could I teach someone without much preparation?
• What do I love doing even when no one is watching?
• What compliments do I routinely dismiss?
• What do people trust me with?
• When have I made someone else’s life easier?
• What do I bring to a group that might be missing if I weren’t there?
• What part of myself have I been underestimating?

Then circle three things.

Don’t choose the three that sound most impressive.

Choose the three that feel most true.

Next to each one, write down one way you could use it more intentionally this week.

Maybe your gift is connection.

Call someone.

Introduce two people who should know each other.

Maybe your gift is encouragement.

Send the message you’ve been meaning to send.

Maybe your gift is teaching.

Share something you know with someone who could benefit.

Maybe your gift is creativity.

Give yourself an hour to make something without worrying whether anyone will see it.

Maybe your gift is leadership.

Speak up about the problem everyone has been quietly accepting.

Maybe your gift is listening.

Put your phone down and give someone your full attention.

Maybe your gift is curiosity.

Read the book. Take the class. Ask the question.

And here’s one more question that may be the most important:

Am I actually using my gifts?

Because identifying them is only the beginning.

What Are You Waiting to Begin?

Perhaps there is something you have wanted to create.

Someone you have wanted to help.

Something you have wanted to teach.

A conversation you’ve wanted to start.

A book you’ve wanted to write.

A business you’ve wanted to build.

A community you’ve wanted to create.

A different way you’ve wanted to lead.

A cause you’ve wanted to support.

An idea that keeps returning.

Yet perhaps you’ve been telling yourself:

I’m not ready.

I need another credential.

Someone else knows more than I do.

Who am I to do this?

Maybe later.

Sometimes more preparation really is necessary.

But sometimes preparation becomes a hiding place.

At some point, we have to ask whether we truly need another certification—or whether we need the courage to use what we already know.

You don’t need to know everything to teach something.

You don’t need to be the world’s greatest writer to write.

You don’t need a leadership title to lead.

You don’t need thousands of followers to influence one person.

You don’t need to build something enormous for it to matter.

Perhaps calling forth our gifts isn’t about waiting until we feel exceptional.

Maybe it is about recognizing that what we already possess can be useful now.

This Week’s Reflection: What Are Your Gifts?

Before you rush into another busy week, give yourself a few minutes to think about what you uniquely bring into the rooms you enter.

Not your title.

Not your résumé.

Not the letters after your name.

Not what you have accomplished.

You.

Your curiosity.

Your humor.

Your compassion.

Your resilience.

Your creativity.

Your ability to listen.

Your willingness to speak up.

Your ability to bring people together.

Your ability to make complicated things understandable.

Your ability to notice people.

Your ability to remain hopeful.

Your willingness to begin again.

Whatever your gifts may be, don’t dismiss them simply because they come easily to you.

And don’t assume they need to be extraordinary to matter.

Sometimes the person who changes our day isn’t the most talented person in the room.

It’s the one who notices us.

Sometimes the leader who changes our career isn’t the most powerful.

It’s the one who believes in us.

Sometimes the friend who changes our life isn’t the one who solves the problem.

It’s the one who stays.

And sometimes the quality we barely notice in ourselves is exactly what someone else needs from us.

We spend so much of our lives asking:

What do I need to fix?

What am I missing?

Where am I behind?

What should I become?

Perhaps this week we can ask something gentler—and potentially much more powerful:

What is already good in me?

What comes naturally to me that I have been taking for granted?

What gifts do I already have—and how can I use them more intentionally?

Maybe you don’t need to reinvent yourself.

Maybe you don’t need to become someone else.

Maybe you don’t need another accomplishment to prove that you have something valuable to offer.

Maybe the next chapter begins by paying attention to what has been there all along.

Your gifts.

Call them forth.

And then use them.

Evidence & Further Reading

The ideas in this reflection are supported by several areas of psychological research worth exploring:

Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification. Oxford University Press. This foundational work established the VIA classification of 24 character strengths.

Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60(5), 410–421. The researchers examined positive psychology exercises, including identifying and using signature strengths in new ways, and their relationships with happiness and depressive symptoms.

Wood, A. M., Linley, P. A., Maltby, J., Kashdan, T. B., & Hurling, R. (2011). Using personal and psychological strengths leads to increases in well-being over time: A longitudinal study and the development of the Strengths Use Questionnaire. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(1), 15–19.

Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Harper & Row. Csikszentmihalyi’s work helped establish our understanding of flow and the experience of deep engagement in meaningful, appropriately challenging activities.

Edmondson, A. C. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383. Edmondson’s influential research demonstrated the importance of psychological safety for interpersonal risk-taking and learning behavior in teams.

Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. Masten’s work challenged the idea that resilience is an extraordinary quality possessed only by exceptional individuals.

Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18. Their work explores positive psychological changes that some individuals report following highly challenging experiences while distinguishing growth from the suffering itself.

A Book to Read

This week’s reflection was inspired by the August 9 passage, Calling Forth Our Gifts, in Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy.

Simple Abundance encourages us to slow down, pay attention to our inner lives, and find meaning and gratitude in ordinary moments. The August 9 reflection offers a wonderful invitation to consider the abilities and qualities we may have overlooked simply because they have always been part of us.

This week’s question to carry with you:

What gift have I been taking for granted simply because it comes naturally to me?